The Uncomfortable Truths in Figure Skater Gracie Gold's Memoir

Feeling for her, feeling for all of us, trusting that there is joy after sports

Many things saddened me as I read Gracie Gold’s book OutofShapeWorthlessLoser: A Memoir of Figure Skating, F*cking Up, and Figuring it Out. Told with the help of ghostwriter and former New York Times reporter Karen Crouse, Gold takes us through her early years, her coaching changes, and her mental and physical health challenges. While this is her specific story with her unique details, I could relate to a lot of it and I think many current skaters and former skaters (and athletes of all types) can.

There are many tropes, or cliches associated with the sport of figure skating that make me cringe, and Gold’s story highlights many of them. The uncomfortable truth is that there IS a prevalence of things like:

• disordered eating and body dysmorphia due to both societal expectations (gotta be pretty i.e. thin, perfect skin, teeth, hair, etc.) and also athletic realities (triple and quadruple jumps are a matter of physics, requiring rotational speed, launch, and hang-time)

• closely related: ageism and the notion that you’re over the hill if your body changes and develops due to (oh my!) puberty

• a perfectionism necessitated by the sport that can border on OCD (how many times can you repeat that jump and that program in practice so that it’s second nature on competition day? Repetition: good. Over-training: Bad)

• parents and coaches alike often applying too much pressure (for their own reasons) while losing perspective

• many families buckling under the strains caused by the costs and the logistics of elite training

• the media – commentators like Tara Lipinsky and Johnny Weir (and others, over the years, like Dick Button) – making comments couched as “just being real here” but are snarky and downright damaging when you watch them on replay through the skater’s eyes (Gold in fact takes us through this in one gutwrenching section)

• finally, the sad sad sad fact of doping and how it has allowed the Russians to dominate the sport, not just through their hard work and the absolute control over their athletes (which are also both factors) but through…cheating.

I appreciate that Gold is using her platform to call for change within the sport, and I admire the bravery and vulnerability it has taken to share her story. I think what tugged at me here the most is Gold’s difficulty in quitting (or in common sportsing parlance, “retiring,” a term I’ll dig into elsewhere. Like, many people “retire” when they are teenagers). 

Gold was the United States champion in 2014 and 2016. After getting 6th in 2017 and taking a year off to address her physical and mental health, she came back in 2019 to get 12th that year then 13th, 10th, and 8th in subsequent years. I’ve watched this with extreme respect for her tenacity and also a bit of heartbreak, not because she isn’t still amazing (she IS), but because she also just couldn’t seem to let it go, a decision which is of course her prerogative. There are some unicorns in the sport like, Michelle Kwan, who managed to stay at the top for over a decade from about age 13 to 25. And pair skater Deanna Stellato-Dudek, who came back after a FIFTEEN-year break and recently won the gold medal at the 2024 World Championships at the age of 40. So it’s not impossible to have longevity, or to restart, but it is rare.

I understand how difficult it is to retire. I didn’t even love the sport as much as Gracie and I wasn’t anywhere near as successful as she was, but I still had trouble leaving it. I deferred my matriculation at college for one year in order to climb the ranks (it got me a mere two places, from 8th to 6th at the junior level in ice dance). Then, I even got a new ice dance partner and was planning to train while attending college. Fortunately, a skating accident finally convinced me it was time to hang up the skates. I went on to coach for over 20 years and was only recently able to detach from that and let that take a backseat to my writing. So I get it and I also want to believe that there is happiness on the other side of sports (for myself, for everyone).

Gracie writes a few different letters in the book. I found myself wanting to write her one, so here goes. 

Dear Gracie,

Even though you are older than most competitive skaters, you are YOUNG. Your attempt to come back has been admirable and demonstrated a grit most cannot fathom. But: You can have an incredible life from here, as a coach within the sport, or you can take some time to pivot away from it entirely, to find something you like even better. Life can have several chapters. Take the strengths you developed in figure skating (and the strengths you clearly already had before you even started) and apply them to the next endeavors. The ways that skating hurt you? I see you using them as fuel. Keep doing that. Keep evolving and keep trusting that there is joy outside the spotlight.

With respect,

Jocelyn 

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Did you read Gracie Gold’s book? What did you think?